I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I currently don't understand fingers.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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