I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
