remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
