Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
