I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
