Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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