I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
