Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
