ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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