dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
even my farts smell like vagina
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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