Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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