does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
