it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
