He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
