Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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