You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
