After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
