my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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