My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
