I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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