Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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