The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
