Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
