It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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