...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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