Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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