I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
