I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
