When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
