On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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