Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
