i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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