Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
