Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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