Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
