Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
