at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
