I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
