nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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