Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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