Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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