i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
