never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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