so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
