I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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