U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dignity is for republicans.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
