OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
