Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
