Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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