Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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