I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
