Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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