There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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