While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
