How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
