His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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