She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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