Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
